“You can catch more flies using honey than vinegar.”
You’ve probably heard this expression many times in your life. Why wouldn’t you do that? This is absolutely true! Did you know that the same principle can be used to protect your children from flies as well?
“You will get more cooperation if you invite people to join in rather than if you demand it.”
When we ask our children to do something, they will be more willing to comply if we are positive and kind.
Who would not want to have that?
Change your child’s behavior from fighting to cooperating
Children are actually more similar to adults than you might think, despite their size. Just as we get upset when someone “demands” or “commands” us to perform a task, so do children get upset when we constantly give them orders and tell them what they should do.
No one, regardless of age, wants to be ruled over!
How will parents ever accomplish anything?
You may think, “I am the parent, and I have to tell my children what to do.” This is correct. You’re the parent, and you set the rules. Sometimes, kids have to follow your orders because you told them so.
If we are not careful, however, too much requiring, commanding, and “because I told you so” will lead to more power struggles and fights than we bargained for.
While the ‘Because I told you so!’ strategy might have worked in a previous generation, its effectiveness is waning today.
The world has changed. The society is different. Families are also other. Children are also other.
We now take a democratic approach where each member of the family has a voice and is valued and respected.
We no longer live by the old authoritarian rules of the household, where Dad is supreme, and everyone listens to him without question.
Imagine how you’d feel if you were told by your partner or significant other to “get dinner on the table before 6:00 pm!“. I bet you wouldn’t comply with the request. You’d probably even throw a few expletives and eye rolls their way.
Earlier, it was expected that mom would unthinkingly obey her husband’s orders. Today, marriages are viewed as partnerships.
These old standards are not enforced on children anymore, inside or outside the home. The current education system is also democratic. The use of corporal punishment has been abandoned, and children are treated with respect and are invited to take part in learning.
We can evoke a fight-or-flight reaction in our children when we order, correct, and direct them. If your children don’t have the means to escape or money, then they will only be able to fight.
Bad attitude, tantrums, and backtalk all appear here.
Alternatively, they may decide to fight passively and ignore your request.
The invitation to a power battle has been sent, and the message from your child is loud and clear. I may think that you are the boss, but you are not.
There is still hope! You can get children of all ages to work together by using the same strategies.
What can you do to get your kids to cooperate more?
You can reduce the chances of power struggles with your children, whether you’re a newbie to positive parenthood or an experienced pro.
Parents enrolled in the online course will learn 37+ toolbox strategies for resolving power struggles. It’s impossible to cover everything in one blog post. Some simple techniques can help you cool down the temperature in your house and PREVENT many fights.
These strategies are easy to understand but incredibly effective if used correctly. These strategies will make your child feel like a “bossed-around” and prevent many fights. When you don’t have to nag, remind, and yell, you will feel a sense of calm.
Strategy #1: Invite Cooperation
Remember the time when your partner or significant other demanded that you prepare dinner? The thought of it may make your blood boil. Who wants to be told exactly what to do, especially in such an aggressive and demanding manner?
Your child may not realize it, but they feel the same.
Your child’s emotional needs can be divided into two categories:
- Feel connected with the family and be spoken respectfully.
- Feeling capable and making an impact.
This is why an invitation works better than a request.
Imagine your child’s excitement when he brings an invitation to Jackson’s party home. There is nothing better than to be included, considered, and invited.
We can give our children more freedom by changing our mindset from one of forcing compliance to one of inviting cooperation. This allows them to contribute to their family according to their terms rather than be forced to.
You may think that this is the complete opposite of what you desire as a parent. Why shouldn’t your kid respect you and do as you say?
Theoretically, yes. No amount of begging will change that. Instead, it will only invite more power struggles.
You will be surprised that you can start seeing the cooperation you have been missing if you invite it instead of demanding.
What does it look like to be cooperative?
Imagine that it is summer, and you’re getting ready to go to the pool with your family. You notice that the kitchen needs cleaning up because it’s a mess after breakfast.
You make your request without even thinking.
The kitchen is a complete mess! It needs to be cleaned before we go to the swimming pool.
You’re now in the territory of ordering, correcting, and directing. When you look at your kids, you know that they are no longer there. You can be sure that any cooperation you receive from them will come with a struggle.
Invite them to work together.
Try instead. “I’m frantically packing before we go to the pool. Any help you can give in the kitchen will be greatly appreciated.”
Is there a difference in the tone? You can prevent your child from getting into a fight by changing the phrase to one that is an invitation rather than a command.
They can help without feeling forced or coerced. They know that the quicker the kitchen is cleaned, the faster they can get in the pool.
You’ve also let them know that their contribution “would be greatly appreciated.” This helps to meet the hard-wired need of children to feel important and connected to their families.
Sounds far-fetched to you?
Try it. This strategy may surprise you at how eager your child is when asked to assist.
Strategy #2: Make a Observation
Observation is a powerful tool. This is why I included it as a way to get your child’s help.
This is a simple strategy that can be extremely effective, as it eliminates any unintentional accusation or judgment from the conversation.
You can say, “The orange juice still isn’t in the fridge” by opening your refrigerator.
You can also ask your child if they haven’t finished a task that is their responsibility. For example, “I noticed the trash bins are still outside the house.” What is your plan to take out the garbage ?”
In both cases, you’re not accusing your child. You’re just observing the situation and deciding what to do.
You don’t need to repeatedly remind, nag, or yell at them after you make an observation.
Is this a guarantee that your child will comply with the rules immediately? No. Over time, they will begin to see the connection between your observations and tacit but kind requests.
You can eliminate any hostile behavior by switching your approach to one of observation instead of demanding.
Strategy #3: Drop a note
Who doesn’t enjoy a traditional thank-you note?
It is so rewarding to see gratitude and appreciation written down. My third strategy to get your child’s attention is a lot of fun.
Please leave a message!
Children thrive when they are appreciated, just like adults. It helps them feel like they are a part of the family, as we discussed earlier. But it also encourages better cooperation.
Imagine that your son is having trouble remembering to turn the lights off when he leaves a space. Try sticking a small sticky note with “Thanks you for turning off lights before leaving the room” next to each light switch.
This is not only a great way to remind your child of something they need to do but also a proactive approach that will help them shift from a combative mindset to one of cooperation.
It’s also good for your health!
Strategy #4: Use “I Feel” Statements
The “I feel” phrase is one of the most powerful tools in your arsenal, especially when you’re asking your children for something.
Why?
It is the fastest and easiest way to stop your children from becoming defensive. By sharing your feelings with your children, you can avoid any accusations, even if they are not intentional.
Consider a situation that you might be familiar with.
You’ve had a long and stressful day, and all you want to do is relax in a warm bath. You enter the bathroom and trip over the dirty clothes and towel of your daughter.
You feel frustrated immediately. Have you not told her to put her clothes into the hamper time and again?
You march into her room, a fistful full of dirty clothes in your hand.
Your exasperation is driving you to the edge of your rope. Your response was so accusatory that your daughter is now on the defensive.
She squares off and rolls her eyes, ready to fight. The chance to have a productive discussion about the issue quickly disappears.
There is a much better way to do this.
It is easy to shift the focus away from your child (the DOER) and onto YOUR feelings by using an “I Feel” statement.
For example, try this:
I feel disrespected if you leave your clothes and towels on the floor. I would appreciate it if you put your towels and clothes away after you are done using them.
Doesn’t this feel more relaxing?
You are reflecting on your feelings and the impact of her actions by focusing away from what she did. This strategy will help not only your child change their perspective but also you.
Final Thoughts
You have the answer. There are four simple, effective, and straightforward strategies to help your child go from fighting to cooperating.
You’ll be more prepared for any future conflicts that might arise if you use these strategies. You can do it!